Going, Going, Gone [to Alaska…and Beyond!]
From Jump, Crisis, Part Trois: All five True Blood plants are now destroyed. Seriously, we only built five of these things?
1:00, Takeout Time: With Bill and Eric under lockdown, it looks like this is as close to eating chinese as Sookie is going to get for a while.
1:30, Don't Bring a Gun to a Chopstick Fight: Sookie ices your friendly, neighborhood coroner with her takeout utensils after she inexplicably say yes to his [completely unsuspicious] request to enter her domicile during a period in which murder-by-vampire has increased by 50%. He tells her he’s come “about the body.” She then asks “what body?,” to which he responds “yours,” and proceeds to bite her. He should have said he’s come to ask “about her character arc,” and when she inevitably replies “what character arc?,” he could have said “exactly.”
3:50, In that case, allow me to say: FUCK ALL OF YOU. By my count, Molly is the only vampire at the Authority who hasn’t actually fucked everyone else at the Authority. Her devotion to rationality and abstinence likely stem from her prior involvements with Mormon and FBI institutions. I’ll be sad to see Molly go, but at least she got to go out Madonna style…
Also, does Russell Edgington seem more, or less, like the kind of vamp who would mind wearing something that resulted in a little nipple chaffing? (Choose your own adventure kids!).
5:50, What are you in the mood for?: I was thinking Greek. It is and isn’t what you think. More to come on - or maybe cum on (it is True Blood) - this later.
6:20, That cheeto-haired tramp: Hoyt and his mom discuss his moving out-of the house and to an oil-drilling job in Alaska, wherein she delivers what has to make the top five list of Hoyt’s-mom’s-all-time-best-insults regarding Jessica. Is there a top five list of Hoyt’s-mom’s-all-time-best-insults regarding anything? No, probably not. At least she didn’t have to sell half her doll collection for a bed she disapproves of.
7:12, Well fuck me he can count past five: Says Pam regarding new sheriff Marilyn Manson’s…err, Chris Angel’s…err, Elijah’s ability to count Fangtasia’s nightly haul. Frankly I’m more impressed by the fact that Tara can count that high given the Gus Fringe-inspired head trauma she experienced at the end of season four. Pam must have enrolled her in Fang Start.
They then discuss the installation of Blockbuster video booths in the bar, but Pam prefers to do things the old fashioned way.
9:25, Help Police!: Is it me or does the Lilith’s Blood/Container combo remind you more and more of something your great-grandmother might have taken-back-the-night with?
In other news, Bill and Nora can only keep Eric around for so long, but they can give him more of Lillith’s blood in an attempt to “save his soul” (in the True Blood universe, have all the vampires been cursed by gypsies?). Bill forces Lilith’s blood down Eric’s throat and Nora also takes a drop for herself (these guys sure know how to deplete a millennia-old, irreplaceable pint of sacred blood) in order that they might share a vision of Lilith. It turns out to be a touching reunion between a son, a daughter, a father and a throat-gorging decapitation…so that seems pretty much worth it.
13:25, 3,000age Dream: Russell and Newlin re-define the meaning of “It’s all Greek to me” as they slow dance to Katy Perry and discuss the merits of going solar. Meanwhile, it’s all death to the members of the Greek fraternity they're in, whose bodies lie scattered about dance room floor.
14:35, Lafayette’s Outfit: L!
16:25, We’ll live in the wind: Pam and Tara discuss the Authority’s new directive that 30 new “vampire babies” be created in Area 5 by the end of the year, or the Authority will take Pam’s property and progeny. Tara suggests naming their first two Draven and Layre. Pam - as should come to no one’s particular surprise - is totally cool with obeying orders handed down to her by a shady bureaucratic entity.
17:07, Glamorama: We found it folks - the first well-written, well-acted, emotionally compelling scene in True Blood series history. Ha-zah!
In this scene, between Hoyt, Jason, and Jessica, Hoyt lets his former best-friend and former love know he is moving to Alaska. And he doesn’t want a North Face parka for a going-away present. Instead, he wants Jessica to glamor away all memory of both herself and Jason - as he can no longer stand to constantly stew over the failed relationships with and intimacies between the two of them. He wishes for a truly new start and Jessica gives it to him promising that if he closes his eyes, counts to ten, and then opens them he will no longer remember either. They leave as he counts to ten (Jason welling-up and Jessica choking back [presumably] blood tears); when Hoyt finishes the count he calls for a waitress and a beer.
23:55, Sherlock Stackhouse: This episode of True Blood takes us once again on the ever revolving-door-ride of “Who is the Least Stupid Stackhouse Sibling?” This week’s winner: Jason. The week’s loser: every other Stackhouse relative in this wild, fictional world who asks themselves if this is finally the week to change their last name to Stouse.
In episode 7 of this season Sookie got a message from her Grams through “I ain’t gmail for dead bitches” Reynolds, telling her to “look under the bed” for information related to her parents’ murders. Sookie, being Sookie (or is that too intelligence-insulting a phrase even for her), only looks in a box under her bed. Jason has the keen idea to actually “look under the bed” - i.e. the mattress, the bed board, and the floor boards beneath the bed. Eureka - a strangely written document is found.
25:40, No One Cares: Sam and Luna continue to search for the location where Newlin is keeping Emma. I continue to not care.
27:40, Do Laugh - This Does Happen: The writers of True Blood continue to have no interest in writing dialogue that does not directly conflict with easily checked FACTS.
29:00, Sobotka Eats; LaFayette Wears a Different Headscarf: And scene!
30:35, As your maker I command you: Bill sends for Jessica to come spend some time at Camp Authorityland.
31:30, We Don't Have No Stinken' Secret Vampire Government: Wink, wink. See how clever and meta we True Blood writers can be? Oh wait, we wrote that dialogue at 27:40? Fuck.
33:00, And the Sansa Stark Gullibility Award Goes To: Anyone on the Authority who believed Eric’s speech regarding his new found love of Lilith. Runner-up goes to anyone who saw through Eric but failed to notice Nora’s very concerned there-is-no-way-I-believe-this face.
34:32, Two Boring Mice: Sam and Luna turn into mice and basically continue to accomplish nothing.
35:20, What Seems to Be the Problem Officer?: Oh, just the fact that I screwed your lady and ruined our friendship causing you to take an eraser pad to your mind. Have a good trip bro.
37:50, Vacation Lilith School: Bill expands upon his ability to combine creepy energy with uninteresting dialogue to explore new and wondrous achievements in least-interesting-supposedly-main-character-status.
40:25, I don’t know nothin’ ‘bout birthin’ no baby vampires: But Sherman is coming to burn Atlanta Tara (oh sweet double sarcastic shlock), and Miss Melanie needs you! And Elijah needs you too…to pretend that you killed a drifter and then chop his head off while he’s distracted by a silver blade through his shoulder. NO ONE FUCKS WITH US IN OUR HOUSE!
No one owns any clothes made post 1989 there either.
42:05, Two Briefcase-Escaping Mice: Sam and Luna escape Newlin’s briefcase only to do probably nothing much in the Authority’s lair.
42:25, Sunshine, Lollipops and Rainbows: Russell Edgington is generally proficient in _not_ sounding like someone who has a Southern drawl. In this episode he shows us that he is also _not_ proficient at imitating an ancient Celtic accent. But he does make up for it. He debuts his ability to mismatch these jarringly incorrect accents between sentences, and even in between words, during the course of a lovely tirade that caps off the Authority storyline for this episode.
In this tirade, Russell finally lets the council know that he doesn’t care about their dumb, jam-covered goddess. He has pretty much just wanted to eat humans with impunity from the beginning, but needed to hide behind the sanguinista movement until it was too late for progressive vampires or humans to stop the vampire tide of picking-up MacHumans in the drive-through lane. This comes as a surprise to _not_the_audience_. Yet, as Russell jets off to find a faery-blood aquifer of his very own, the remaining Authority members stand around looking confused and fang-fallen. #DEJECTED
44:55, Warlow: Apparently he owns Sookie. Oh good, that means she’ll have someone to eat chinese with again soon.
No comments:
Post a Comment